Thursday, June 02, 2005

Statistics

I'm small for my age. I mean really small for my age. The doctors tell me that I'm approximately two years old. I weigh 21 pounds, and I'm just under 30 inches tall. I've looked at the charts, and that's on the small side for a typical two year old, but I'm sure the doctors know their stuff.

I seem to require a lot of sleep. I nap at least twice a day, and I sleep at least ten hours a night.

I've lost a lot of my coordination. There's no way I could tie my own shoes, and using a knife and fork to cut food is quite impractical. I have to be very careful going up and down the stairs. Usually I take them one at a time, on all fours.

Probably the most disconserting issue I have with my new (or should I say old) body is my inability to maintain bladder control at night. I tried using a 'pull-up' under my pajamas, but it wasn't absorbant enough and I wet the sheets. Being a pratical guy, I realized that a diaper was the best solution. Now here's a silly question: Have you ever tried putting a disposable diaper on yourself? It's nearly impossible; you can't do it on your own and end up with the necessary snug fit.

It's become routine now, not quite as humiliating as it was at first. Every night before I retire for the night, I take off all of my clothes, and pull myself up onto the bed. Usually she does it quickly, lifting me by my ankles and sliding a Pampers brand diaper under my bottom. In less than thirty seconds, it is done.

On the bright side, my hair is dark and thick again. I really like my hair.

I have a full set of sharp little baby teeth, and I have no problem eating just about anything. My preferences have changed dramatically, however. I no longer like spicey food, and my beloved beer now tastes downright nasty.

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